Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
