Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize