I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
There's even glitter on my cock...
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