dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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