I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
