I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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