if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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