Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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