Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Randomize
