turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Randomize
