party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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