Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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