Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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