I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
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