You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
