One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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