I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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