I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
