So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
