I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
