I wish I could teleport
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
