Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
He? As in you personified your dick?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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