Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
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