By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
