Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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