I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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