i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
