and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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