Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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