So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
