You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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