rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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