Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
