She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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