I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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