There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
