Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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