my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Randomize
