I must be too annoying 4 u.
3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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