god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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