Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Randomize
