You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
