we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
