My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
from now on my penis is your penis
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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