and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
