I got chris browned last night
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
