I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I just threw up on my dentist
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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