I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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