so explain again why im purple
no
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
