so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
