I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
