so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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