Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
it's great music for shaving your balls
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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