I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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