I think I died a long time ago.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
