last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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