Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
